A Well-Lit Path: A Blog from Westtown School

Being needed, wanted, and adored is the parenting trifecta that gets us through the sleepless nights, the relentless demands, and the bodily functions of early childhood.  The helpless dependence, passionate attachment, and jubilant ardor offset the challenges associated with parenting youngsters. Moreover, we are in control. If our child isn't complying, we usually can "make them." This sense of control, coupled with those wonderful feelings, define what parenting is typically about before the tween and teen years. 

Even though we all know adolescence is inevitable, we often remain under the delusion that somehow our wonderful parenting or our child's easy-going disposition will prevent the door slamming, sullen silences, reckless button pushing, poor decision making, and disrespectful dialogue typical of the teenage years. We hope that through studied intervention we will remain in control throughout our child’s at-home years.

As parents, we are often frustrated that our teenagers do not get it. The it in this case is usually some version of adult responsibility or point of view. I am often struck by just how disparate the teenager and adult worlds are, yet, we grown-ups forget what it feels like to be a teen, and at the same time, expect teens to know what it feels like to be an adult, even though they haven’t experienced adulthood yet. Additionally, what drives, motivates, and worries adults is different than what drives, motivates and worries teenagers.

Pomp ☑

Circumstance ☑

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Diploma ☑

Congratulations! You have a high school graduate in the house, and although there is much to be excited about, the teenage years are far from over.

In fact, many parents are surprised to find that they are still raising a teenager, even if their teen is an adult in the eyes of the law and is ready to take on college, a real job, or whatever “grown-up” experience comes after high school.

In order to survive life with your older teenager, expectations of the parent-child relationship will need to shift. Your ability to control their behavior and choices will become increasingly impossible, yet, take heart that the hard work you have done parenting them in years prior will be reflected in how they live out their adult years.

In order to live comfortably with one another, I suggest you consider treating your older teenager and college student like a wonderful, beloved cousin who is spending some extended time in your home. What follows are six examples of the cousin concept and how they might translate into reasonable expectations.

Many parents today are putting in overtime hours to make sure their teenager never experiences academic failure, but to what end? 

Exhausted working parents are running around Staples late at night grabbing poster board and glue stick for a forgotten project, or spending hours trying to squeeze the best possible homework out of their child.  Moms and dads are allowing for “sick days” so their teenager doesn’t have to take a test they are unprepared for, hiring tutors to serve as homework wardens, and dissuading their teens from taking classes they may not get an A in.

I am not convinced failure is to be avoided at all costs. In fact, I see lifelong benefits in experiencing and then recovering from, failure. Here are four that come to mind:

Anyone who has ever been married or in a long-term partnership, whether successfully or not, can attest to the fact that good relationships take time, effort and practice. It may be hard to imagine that the mercurial nature of your teenager's dating experiences may actually be helpful and healthy.

Yet, the teenage years potentially provide a variety of rehearsal relationships. Here are four ways to support your teen as they navigate this new, and challenging social territory:

Often it appears that successful parenting is measured by your child’s achievements. This may be at no time more evident than during high school, when grades begin to count, standardized test scores are no longer measurement tools for the school alone, and athletic prowess is more important than fun, games and exercise.

If your teenager is successful in these endeavors, it can be wonderfully satisfying to sit back and bask in the glow of their grades, trophies and college acceptances.

But what if your teen struggles academically, dislikes sports, and none of this is offset by musical, artistic or theatrical talent? What if your teenager is average? Or, even scarier, below average?

Our teenagers can employ some very powerful tactics to get us to change our minds. They've been observing us for years now, figuring out where our weak spots are, and perfecting their negotiation techniques and sales pitch methods. Most teenagers can predict if their parents fold under pressure, do best with data and facts, or if mood and time of day are predictors for successful mind changing. Here are a few of the top teen tactics, including some tips for how to stay strong during the onslaught.

As a dean at an independent school, I sometimes have to call parents and tell them their child is in my office and has broken a major school rule. Sometimes, in their shock and dismay, a parent will say something like "how do you know it was my child?” and I can typically report back that their child told me the truth about whatever situation we are dealing with. Teenagers need quite a bit of room in order to tell the truth. Ironically, those parents who insist their child never be interviewed alone, or that their child never lies to them, are often surprised to find out that it is easier for me to get to the truth than it is for them. The only magic in my method is that I am not their parent, and perhaps I give them more space for honesty. First, let's explore why teenagers lie in the first place:

One of the primary differences between parenting now and parenting when we were growing up is our current fixation on the "relationship."

The measuring tool we use for this is what I refer to as “closeness points.” In some families it manifests itself in just how much free time the parents are willing to sacrifice for their children’s activities. In others, it is about how often your teenager texts or calls you per day. Independence used to be the goal of parenting, but now in many ways we foster dependence.

I would assert, perhaps unpopularly, that more important than the present relationship you have with your teenager is the future relationships your teenager will have with you, their employer, partner, children, peers, and even humanity. Often, building responsibility, independence, and integrity in your teen will require times when they feel frustrated, upset, and even angry with you.