A Well-Lit Path: A Blog from Westtown School

You know the saying, “save the drama for your mama?” Many teenagers do just that. Teens are inclined to vent to their parents, using emotional hyperbole to drive home a point, so we can get a sense of exactly how strongly they are feeling about a subject…in that moment.

Many parents forget the ephemeral nature of the stories, concerns, upsets, and even devastations that their teens share with them. Rather than allowing their teenagers space to vent, they end up getting upset about situations that their child is probably ready to let go of. How can you be an understanding listener without taking on your teenager’s drama?

Here are some ideas to keep your reactions in check:

Many parents today are putting in overtime hours to make sure their teenager never experiences academic failure, but to what end? 

Exhausted working parents are running around Staples late at night grabbing poster board and glue stick for a forgotten project, or spending hours trying to squeeze the best possible homework out of their child.  Moms and dads are allowing for “sick days” so their teenager doesn’t have to take a test they are unprepared for, hiring tutors to serve as homework wardens, and dissuading their teens from taking classes they may not get an A in.

I am not convinced failure is to be avoided at all costs. In fact, I see lifelong benefits in experiencing and then recovering from, failure. Here are four that come to mind:

Anyone who has ever been married or in a long-term partnership, whether successfully or not, can attest to the fact that good relationships take time, effort and practice. It may be hard to imagine that the mercurial nature of your teenager's dating experiences may actually be helpful and healthy.

Yet, the teenage years potentially provide a variety of rehearsal relationships. Here are four ways to support your teen as they navigate this new, and challenging social territory:

Often it appears that successful parenting is measured by your child’s achievements. This may be at no time more evident than during high school, when grades begin to count, standardized test scores are no longer measurement tools for the school alone, and athletic prowess is more important than fun, games and exercise.

If your teenager is successful in these endeavors, it can be wonderfully satisfying to sit back and bask in the glow of their grades, trophies and college acceptances.

But what if your teen struggles academically, dislikes sports, and none of this is offset by musical, artistic or theatrical talent? What if your teenager is average? Or, even scarier, below average?

Our teenagers can employ some very powerful tactics to get us to change our minds. They've been observing us for years now, figuring out where our weak spots are, and perfecting their negotiation techniques and sales pitch methods. Most teenagers can predict if their parents fold under pressure, do best with data and facts, or if mood and time of day are predictors for successful mind changing. Here are a few of the top teen tactics, including some tips for how to stay strong during the onslaught.

As a dean at an independent school, I sometimes have to call parents and tell them their child is in my office and has broken a major school rule. Sometimes, in their shock and dismay, a parent will say something like "how do you know it was my child?” and I can typically report back that their child told me the truth about whatever situation we are dealing with. Teenagers need quite a bit of room in order to tell the truth. Ironically, those parents who insist their child never be interviewed alone, or that their child never lies to them, are often surprised to find out that it is easier for me to get to the truth than it is for them. The only magic in my method is that I am not their parent, and perhaps I give them more space for honesty. First, let's explore why teenagers lie in the first place:

One of the primary differences between parenting now and parenting when we were growing up is our current fixation on the "relationship."

The measuring tool we use for this is what I refer to as “closeness points.” In some families it manifests itself in just how much free time the parents are willing to sacrifice for their children’s activities. In others, it is about how often your teenager texts or calls you per day. Independence used to be the goal of parenting, but now in many ways we foster dependence.

I would assert, perhaps unpopularly, that more important than the present relationship you have with your teenager is the future relationships your teenager will have with you, their employer, partner, children, peers, and even humanity. Often, building responsibility, independence, and integrity in your teen will require times when they feel frustrated, upset, and even angry with you.

Many teenagers are currently facing a particular version of peer pressure that is inspired by social media. As parents, we are aware of the potential for bullying, as well as photos that may at the least anger parents, and in some extreme cases result in the destruction of a reputation, or, unimaginably worse, tragedy.

But there are subtler forms of social pressure that many teens regularly feel. Parents need to know what those pressures are and how we can talk to our teenagers about them.

Here are my top four tips for how to help your teen avoid social media envy:

In our swiftly moving and shifting world, adaptability is a skill our children will need in order to find gratification and success. As the job market becomes increasingly competitive and the speed of life feels as if it is aligning with the speed of light, most of us need to work longer hours, juggle multiple responsibilities, and master new technologies. How can we help our children learn to adapt to the continuous changes they will encounter as well as weather the disappointments and unpredictability that modern life inevitably delivers?

Here are some ways to help your teenager attain the survival skills they will need: